I don’t wanna be a mom

don't wanna be a mom

don't wanna be a mom

Today I cried

No I wept… uncontrollably, tears streaming down my cheeks

I wept because I was fed up with being a mom

I was tired of constantly caring for others, tending to their every little need.

Tired of being woken up every night for the past 6 ½ years

Tired of getting up way too early, feeling like a zombie from the lack of sleep

Being shrouded in brain fog so heavy, my head felt like a ton of bricks

 

I cried because the little child inside med was screaming at the top of her lungs “WHAT ABOUT ME?!!! What about my needs?

Because I know there are issues I have to work on, and let go of in order to be who I really wanna be, but I can’t find the damn time to actually do it

Because I can’t seem to do anything right these days

My 3 year old constantly provokes me, try to push every possible button in order for me to lose my temper, and it takes all of my strength not to

My 1 year old demands me 24/7, and even if he has my full attention and I hold him in my arms, it seems it’s only good enough for a second

 

I cried because I have so many ideas bubbling in my head, not one of them possible to actually bring to life

Because I desperately need a few hours of alone time, where I don’t have to be anything for anybody.

Because I can’t remember the last time I had an actual meaningful conversation with an adult without being interrupted by kids.

 

I cried because I’m sick and tired of cleaning up toys every day and spending God knows how many hours looking for things I didn’t even misplace.

Because I couldn’t feel the joy of motherhood and all I could do was look at my boys and wish someone else would come and take them just for a minute.

I cried because I saw who knows what number post that day, of happy moms proclaiming not to mind getting up before the sun, because their little ones didn’t wanna sleep no more. Sharing memmories of their kids when they were small, making it sound like such a blissfull time.

I cried because part of me wanted to call them liars, but the other part kept telling me, I just weren’t in the same place they were, and we all have different journeys.

Because I so desperately want to be cool about every aspect of motherhood, even the shitty ones, and just enjoy being with my kids

 

I cried because I feel like I never see my boyfriend… we are like two boats drifting in the same ocean, occasionally bumping into each other. So even hough we are here together, we don’t have time to spend any quality time – there’s always kids involved. I miss him… I miss us.

 

So today I cried because everything was just too much. But also because of all the mothers out there feeling like this, thinking something is wrong with them, when they are completely normal.

We are all on different pages of the story – some are closer to the end, others at the very beginning. Some have a lot of issues they need to sort out before being able to live more freely, others have less.

We are not failing…  just doing the best we can, evolving bit by bit.

So today I cried, and it probably won’t be the last time.

 

– Vicki Gylling

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